The false beliefs which can help to cause Erection Problems;

Ways to treat erectile failure and erection dysfunction

The Causes Of Erection Problems

The things no-one ever told you - and you might never know!

There are a lot of beliefs around sexuality in our society which can contribute massively to sexual problems. We've put a few of them here to help you see more clearly some of the realities around male sexuality, and to dispel some of the myths that may be contributing to your impotence. Check out the following statements and see if you've bought into them. They are all totally false.

1 Men should always be able to get it up and have sex with any woman who is ready, willing and able.

The reason this is untrue is simple: we aren't machines. We're human. All of us, including you. You get stressed, you have a tiring day, you get bad news, you don't feel sexual - you don't want sex. The fact is, you don't have to say yes to your partner if she wants sex and you don't. (How many times did she say "no" to you?) It's an illusion to think that men will always be ready for sex on demand.

As for the "having it with any woman" thing, well, that's an illusion too. Not all women will turn you on; the mere presence of an available pussy isn't going to guarantee you get aroused. If this surprises you, you've been buying into some widely held myths about the sexual nature of men - myths spread in large part I think by women who disapprove of men's (generally higher than women's) sex drive. Sex fires up because there is some connection or chemistry between two people. Without it, it tends not to work. If you lose your erection when you feel no desire for your partner, that is normal and natural, not a sign of your lack of masculinity.

(Many teenage boys lose their erections when they are having sex - almost invariably it is a clear sign that they know, deep down, that they are just not ready to have sex yet.)

2 Men should be sexually confident and know what to do during sex to please a woman

But sex is a flexible thing that happens between two people who have their own, often conflicting, needs, desires and wishes. You, the man, can only lead in this way if your partner has become totally passive and completely lacking in initiative. If she's done that, then she's probably not very turned on, which may well account for why you can't get an erection. Is this kind of erection failure your fault? Hardly. here's not much fun to be had in having sex with someone as inactive as a dummy! Even if she's responding to you and getting aroused, this kind of sex is still too one-sided to be acceptable.

If sex is to be a game with two equal players, then the man must stop doing the work of two, and start letting his partner find her psychological space in the bedroom. And he must also be able to show that he's human: that he gets nervous, he sometimes doesn't know what to do; he sometimes wants to lie back and let it happen to him!

Nowhere is this better exemplified than in the vexed question of the moment of penetration. An old idea is that the man should work his way up to penetration by arousing his partner, providing enough foreplay and getting her lubed; he should sense when she is ready and then firmly push his erect penis into her yielding body, accompanied by her moans of pleasure and satisfaction. Well, does she have no responsibility in this process? Like saying what she wants or needs, or what she would like to have happen?

More to the point, though is the fact that it isn't always easy to find the vaginal opening. If you're acting like the confident male you think you have to be, and you can't succeed at the moment of intromission, what are you to do? Carry on pushing at her vulva at random (an act which women hate, by the way). Wait for her to tell you where her vaginal introitus is? The correct thing to do in this situation is to ask her to guide your penis between her labia with her hand. Would you ever consider doing that? If not, how come?

The problem is this: if you lack confidence or you feel anxious about sex, not disclosing that to a partner whom you trust (and who will support you, without judgment or criticism) will just make your anxiety increase. That in turn can make you less certain of keeping your erection, and so before you know it you're back into the ever-increasing spiral of anxiety and impotence.

3 If your partner lies there like a log, you should still be able to have a good time and orgasm inside her.

The only problem here is that it is very difficult having sex with someone who either doesn't like you or doesn't like sex, or is completely turned-off for some reason. It's not arousing to either the mind or the body. Again, losing your erection in this situation is natural. Once again, I am not sure this even qualifies for the name of erectile dysfunction. It's completely normal to respond with a loss of erection in such circumstances. If you're in a situation like this and you're looking for a treatment, then you might be looking for the wrong thing.

And if your partner has a condition like vaginismus, where the muscles of her vaginal introitus contract and won't let your penis in, you have no chance whatever of a good sexual experience. Why would you expect to keep your erection in this situation? The same is true when your partner criticizes you when you have her best interests at heart, makes judgments about you that are false, and acts disrespectfully towards you. (And the same is true in reverse.)

In these circumstances, what you may be calling erectile dysfunction is not your fault! Even when your partner is blaming you for losing your erection, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You need a woman who is at least somewhat aroused to keep your erection. To repeat: when the woman you are with hates sex or is completely turned off, losing your erection is normal and natural.

And here are some other facts which you may not know:

1 Some men are unable to "sleep around"; for them, sex may only work in a committed relationship.

Another common myth is that a man can sleep around as he chooses and have a great time. But the reality is that for many men, sex is only desirable in a committed relationship.

2 Men over a certain age must have physical stimulation to get an erection.

Not all the time, necessarily, but certainly for some of the time, men over a certain age need a helping hand to get erect. I say a certain age because this varies: for one man it may be late twenties, for another his mid-thirties, for another the moment won't come until he reaches forty, and for a smaller group of men it will be even older. But that time comes to us all, and it is quite natural - you can't get as aroused at the age of forty as you can at the age of twenty just by anticipating sex or seeing your partner undressing. However, if you don't know this simple fact about human male sexuality, you can really begin to feel very unmasculine and worried when you suddenly find that your capacity to generate an impressive erection in your pants and let it spring out when you undress has disappeared!

Think of this in reverse for a moment. The average sexually active woman is accustomed to just lying back and waiting for her man to become aroused by the sight of her body, so much so that he wants to touch her; when he does, he probably knows what to do to get her aroused. It's accepted as quite normal for a woman to do this - she may well need a helping hand from her man to get aroused. But it just isn't the normal way for a man to lie back and wait for his partner to begin sucking his penis or feeling his nipples - yet, this is actually what a lot of men need (and, by the way, secretly want) to get erect. Others, of course more enlightened or in relationships with better communication, are already doing this.

(And despite all this, it is still wonderful to feel the excitement of a spontaneous erection - when or if it happens.)

3 A man's penis does not need to be rigid and hard to have sex

In fact it is possible to have sex with a penis that is much less than fully erect - you just need to ensure she is adequately lubed. You can hold your fingers around the base of your penis, or use a rubber ring to maintain the erection. Often it will firm up when it is inside your partner. Is this situation worthy of the name impotence or erectile dysfunction? Again, it's a question of definition.

The idea may sound strange, but I guess we've all had at least one alarming episode of an erection going away, or getting soft, or drooping impotently: sometimes, after years of reliable service, one's penis suddenly refuses to get hard at the required time!

But there is a myth here - the myth of the ever-hard and ever-ready penis. Most men probably believe that they should have an erection whenever they are in a sexual situation - and most women probably believe this too. But there's some point in a man's sexual life beyond which he's going to need physical stimulation to get an erection - and the older he gets, the less reliable his erection is going to be. (Of course any guy, no matter how young or old, may lose his erection if he's in a sexual situation where he isn't aroused or if he'd prefer to be with someone else.)

If you have a flaccid penis, and you want a hard one, there are lots of alternatives to deal with the situation. Firstly, you can masturbate until your penis is erect, or your partner can do it - which is much more fun, though some women are not willing to do this for their partner. I'd question exactly what that might mean in terms of a woman's sexual attitude, but if necessary, you can always do it yourself.

Secondly, you can try non-erect intercourse. Let me explain how it's done. Your partner will be lying on her back, with her right leg over your hips. You lie at forty-five degrees to her body on her left side, facing her. You hold your penis in your right hand and rub your glans up and down, from side to side, and all around her clitoris. You need plenty of lube on your penis and her vulva for this.

The idea is to focus only on the sensations, not on getting an erection or becoming aroused. So you focus on what it feels like for you as your penis head rubs on her clitoris - and she focuses on what it feels like for her as your glans massages her sensitive tissues. Neither of you are spending any time thinking about what you should be doing, what you expect to happen, or what is happening. It's just a pleasant thing to experience!

If you do develop an erection, or a partial erection, you can insert your penis about an inch into her vagina, but the idea of non-erect intercourse is to enjoy the feeling, not go all the way to full penetration, so if you do enter her vagina, then pull out again and continue moving your penis over her vulva and clitoris, perhaps re-entering her a little way from time to time.

After five minutes of partial insertion and clitoral rubbing, you can gradually increase the amount of penetration and decrease the clitoral rubbing. If you do this for at least fifteen minutes three times a week, even if you feel bored or uninterested, you may well find that your erectile capacity increases. This is not a treatment for erectile dysfunction, but it is a way of treating the symptoms of the basic problem.

However, don't expect an improvement in your erectile capacity if you simply don't want to be with your partner, for non-erect penis intercourse is not a way to extend a relationship that has passed its sell-by date. It's much more about getting sexual energy flowing and re-establishing arousal and sexual self-confidence in a man whose wilting dick has led to a cycle of negative expectations causing a failure to get erect, leading to not getting erect, and thereby confirming his belief that he won't get erect ever again.

4 Your erection will naturally come and go during sex

I believe many men think that their penis should stay hard throughout sex. This is untrue - even when you are doing something as exciting as giving a woman oral sex, you may lose your erection. This can be a big problem if you think of it as a failure or a sign that you are losing your sexual capacity. The reality is that it's normal, and your erection will always come back again.

5 Your erection will be a little less firm as the years go by - and this is not an erection problem, nor is it erectile dysfunction

And unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. But this need not spoil the pleasure of sex in any way - your orgasms will be just as pleasurable as before, and you may find you can thrust for longer before you ejaculate. Again, not knowing this may make you believe that there is something seriously wrong with you and start you off on a journey that leads to a foolish doctor who tries to persuade you to have penile implants! By the way, it's a mistake to start comparing yourself to younger men; maybe a better comparison would be with other men of your age and level of experience. Surely the thing that matters is not how many times you can come in a night, but how enjoyable sex is?

Stop erection problems now!